"I love myself, and I love my life' but if I had to make a choice as others think. 

Lets see, would I choose living my life with this pain of not being able to contact "ANY" loved ones as if I had died and spend my life as if my family and most of my friends no longer exist . The only family I would end up with is myself.  End up hurting in my heart the remaining of my life while I'm left wondering why I made the choice to be the way I am.
Valentine Kilgore
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Macarena Kilgore
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Trying to get in touch with the ones you've loved and lost contact of over the years is very hard.  It shouldn't be, but it is. 
Some say love never dies, "If you love someone, you'll always love that someone."  In my heart it remains true still today.  The hardest part of love are the ones who prove the quote wrong.

Life is filled with people who turn their backs on you for some reason or another, while we remain always trying to forgive.
In my mind thinking it being the year as it is today things would be so much uncomplicated.  In reality, it seems to have become worse.
The ones you give second, third,  even fourth chances are the ones that remain breaking our hearts.  I've giving up many times trying to hold on to the ones who continue pushing me away in one form or another. Thinking their beliefs are the only that matter. The way we are programmed as a child sometimes remains with with us and hurts both, you and the ones you loved.

In my life I've had to let go of my family and many of friends I thought would never turn away from me.
Some say it wasn't God who created the life I ended with.  I'm not sure if that means people such as myself, we weren't created by God, that our ways of life couldn't be what God had planned. I read things and hear things that I'll never understand.  Then spending their life without me thinking it's me who never visits or calls. When in reality it's my heart i try protecting that keeps me away because of beliefs others have. 
My heart, it never changed. but the ones I love did. 
Because of the way God created each and everyone different in many ways. Creating the path in our lives that we have absolutely no control over as some might think. 

I've heard of ones I've always loved that have passed away.  I hurt so deeply because I had to protect myself.  With all the hurt I endure from the loss I think about if I stayed in their live and living the life i live.  The loved one I lost and didn't get the chance to learn what he/her became in life.  The loss would have came much sooner as they learn about the path that i have to take for myself.
My life is a happy and safe life that keeps me from all the negative feelings that others may share, I continue trying to contact the ones I've always loved over the years. 

My heart and head fight over the fact that i try to get back with my loved ones because of the fact my love continued after others have already let me go.

I've taken the chance many times as I realized my head is way smarter then my heart.  Seems many have proven me wrong because, You find them, you spend time talking, emailing and thinking you're getting to know them once more, then all at once it happens,you loose contact as they shut you out once more.

  My life is different, and I may never be able to show my happiness to the ones I've always loved in my heart.  i wish this wasn't ok but, it's the choice the've chosen for me. 
Macarena Kilgore
"When will it ever turn around?"
Scotty & Tracy
Mother & Brother Tracy
My Brother Tracy &  his wife Janice
My Mother
Brother Tracy
Me &
Brother Ronnie
Me & Keyountai

Cali Osh Kilgore
Life, sometimes I feel I was built to take on anything and everything. Feeling as if 
others have this heart of gold that can be trusted. A heart that should've been
giving to them from birth.  I search and suppose i always will for someone to
explain the difference between friends and family.  i have friends i would die for,
then theres family with my blood who wouldn't lend me a hand if needed.
Then I find they are all the same.  I think some people change but deep down I
know I'm wrong.  You see, I've trie reconecting with parts of my family.
Thinking things are different now that it's been over 20 years since i've last
contacted.  It's the same thing time and time again.  There is a fear and total
lock up
when it comes to certain things in our lives.  Some are always telling me,
"Jim you really need to talk to so and so whom ever it may be."
I laugh at times because they never experience the pain from other as i have.  They live their lives with all the freedom that was meant to be.
I've opened up and just as quickly they've broken me down.
I can't tell you how many years have passed and i thought of my life with my family.  I know it could never be the way i picture it with them.  I think that's one reason I stay away, because in my head i see them as it was with me as a kid.  All the inocence that wasn't broken.  Seems that light of hope i refuss to let burn out knowing I should.
Family, most we talk and walk away leaving me with a doubht of what just happened.  I'm never sure.  Is it all me? I don't think so.  I continue trying every single time i get that chance.  If my memories could catch up with the years I've spent hurting over loosing my family over how life was meant for me.
My Daughters
  Felicia & Danielle
          Memory Of
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